Rich Guy Zach Braff Kickstarts Millions For New Indie Flick

Even though he’s made more in his career than most of his contributors will make in a lifetime combined, CBS Schoolbreak Special one-time guest star Zach Braff has successfully raised the more than the requested $2 million dollars to complete his new indie film that he terms as a spiritual successor to his decade-old feature film Garden State.

The erstwhile SeanOrange doppleganger admitted in his video that he was inspired by the $4 million success of the Veronica Mars movie Kickstarter campaign, a film which unlike Braff’s new film has major studio backing.

“‘You would think a big star like me would just have $2 million squirreled away for just such an occasion… but really, I don’t,’ Zach Braff in no way said, but at least I’d imagine he’d say it,” said Sean “The Orange” Corse. Sean embarked on a failed YouTube campaign in 2008 to call out Braff for growing the same kind of patchy, fuzzy beard-like facial hair for the final season of what Corse terms as “the ‘Real’ Scrubs”.

“‘I mean, I could probably get everyone involved in the movie to pitch in a bit of their own cash to get this thing going, rather than Kickstarter backers to whom I will owe essentially nothing if this film is a great commercial success,’ Zach Braff continued not to say, but probably would if I asked him. ‘This is, like, my job, right? You gotta get paid for your job! You can’t just pay yourself. That would be crazy,’ said a plausibly real hypothetical Braff,” said Corse.

The occasional Famicom Dojo host was not alone. Even the Job Creators wouldn’t give him this admittedly small budget to make a movie, not without ruining artistic license, as Braff explained in his Kickstarter video. You know, more or less.

“You’d think that just because I didn’t speak out about the Veronica Mars Kickstarter that this is just some sort of unfair double standard, but you’d be wrong,” Corse went on to explain. “This clearly has nothing to do with Zach Braff not noticing that I challenged him to beard chicken like, what, four… five years ago? Nothing at all.”

The new film promises to feature some sophisticated special effects features, centering around daydreams of the main character (played by Braff) as some sort of astronaut knight thingy, which with other expenses would probably take up much of the budget, leaving little for the actual stars of the film. Not to mention that they would likely not be working on other projects at a time to draw in salaries.

“Oh. I didn’t realize that,” replied Corse upon hearing the news. “That actually sounds pretty cool.”

However, explaining some other conceptual issues with the film, Sean continued, “Yeah, okay, so he never responded to my beard chicken challenge, but clearly this ‘I Wish I Was Here’ film has some serious roadblocks. First of all, the title fails to use the subjunctive form of ‘to be’, and should say ‘I Wish I Were Here’. Because he clearly isn’t. Here, that is.”

“Is he?” wondered Corse, looking crestfallen at the realization Braff was not.

“I was not!” claimed Corse.

“Furthermore,” Corse continued, “this is clearly a story based on my life; thirty-something, living somewhat beyond his means, new father… things you can’t claim Zach Braff has ever experienced in his life. Me? I’m watching my entrepreneurial aspirations spiral down the drain, when I should be getting $2 million dollars to make a story about my life.”

Corse posited that instead he should be the one making a film about Zach Braff’s life — starring and directed by Corse — about how hard it is to not be able to come up with $2 million of his own money after a decade playing a neurotic schizophrenic on network television. “I mean, no one pays me to actually be a neurotic schizophrenic at home and on the internet, am I right?” pointed out Corse, conspicuously popping an orange bottle of unlabeled pills.

After actually watching the Kickstarter pitch video, however, Corse’s formerly adversarial tone noticeably softened.

“That’s… huh. That’s actually kind of a neat idea,” Corse eventually admitted. “I mean, at first I didn’t think he’d understand the plight of the average person, but now I’m thinking…” he hesitated, “well, I mean, they’re going to film at a geek convention for some of this stuff? I guess that’s pretty cool.”

“Besides, Donald Faison always makes me laugh. I love that guy,” Corse nearly blushed.

Admittedly, despite the success of the Kickstarter, the final quality of the finished product remains to be seen, and Corse admitted, “you know, I should probably actually try to watch Garden State. Besides, I miss my hair from 2006.”

View the Kickstarter here.

No one actually attempted to reach Zach Braff for comment.