Hot New Spider-Man 3 Merchandise Available Saturday

It’s recently come to our attention that there’s some crazy awesome merchandise hitting the Hasbro online store, starting this Saturday, March 24th. Continue after the jump for the highlights, from the tater-tastic Spider-Spud to the musical Spi-Dog to the … exciting all-weather footballs.

First up? None other than the Spider-Spud, my friends:

Let’s just take a quick peek at the product listing…

When a radioactive spider bit Peter Parker Potato, he became SPIDER SPUD! With eyes for trouble, this web slinger uses his starch-strength to mash out evil and save the day!

Apparently, by including glasses and normal eyes, they seem to think that that’s good enough to pass for a Peter Parker Potato. Let me tell you this – if that giant red mask doesn’t come off, then that makes for one awful, awful secret identity. And if it does come off – well, then he’ll look virtually indistinguishable from all other PotatoHead People. In essense, the perfect secret identity. They’re really dancing at both ends of the spectrum here.

Well, shoot, aren’t those just the cutest little set of crazed killers I’ve ever seen. (Except Spider-Man … depending on whether or not you believe The Daily Bugle. I personally do, so I stand by the statement.) Honestly, I don’t know what’s more adorable about them – Venom’s grumpy little grimace, Spidey’s fingers already set in the “Webbing Fly!” position, or ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM. It’s a tough call though – one I’m not willing to make.

What looks like a spider but rocks like a dog?

Thank God, the question I’ve been asking all my life has just been answered. That which looks like a spider but rocks like a dog is, in fact, SPI-DOG. I feel so foolish for not figuring it out myself.

But wait! Here comes the most confusing part of the product! – Its mood and personality change, depending on your music and how often you play with it!

Think about it – shouldn’t its mood and personality change, depending on whether you bought the normal one or the VENOM one? The normal one obviously being a little down on his luck, but coming through in the end (well, mostly – sorry Gwen Stacy & Uncle Ben!), and the other one being a brain-eating terror. Fun fact – breed the Venom one asexually to get the ultra-violent Carnage version!

With great power comes a great football!

Ok, honestly, I think they’re working this “let’s make a Venom version of everything so we can sell twice as much” angle a little hard here. An evil football? Listen, just because you CAN make Venom versions of everything, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Take these for example:

You do realize this is the equivalent of asking kids to dress up as the Green Goblin or Lex Luthor, right? (Well, maybe a little less boring than Lex Luthor.) Because Venom’s the murderous bad guy of the movie! Sure, Peter wears the suit for a while, but when your neighbor kid is running around in the good-guy blasters, and you’re running around in some guy you know is running around in the black ones, are they both Peter Parker? No. One is good, and one is horribly gone wrong. You know which is which.

This one, this is the treasure I saved for last, as a reward to all of you that struggled through the rest of this nonsense. Because this right here? This item is GENIUS.

Like the listing says, Eddie Brock has bonded with the symbiote, and become the awesome, terrifying Venom. Now he finally has the power to take his revenge on the world. There’s only one man who can stand in his way – Spider-Man That’s why the web slinger is first on his list or people to drown in his ooze! (OMG SPOILERS, SORRY!)

Alright, so here’s the thing. First of all – That’s Venom’s mouth, on the left there. What Venom plans on doing is trapping Spider-Man in … a giant version of his mouth? Or his mouth is just going to be that big? I don’t know. But he traps Spider-Man in there, and then he locks it shut. Why? Well, not to eat him, of course … No no no, it’s so he can pour ooze on him.

Ignore, if you will, the fact that this plan smothers his own mouth in ooze. And also, that once you have your arch-nemesis in your giant serrated mouth, you should probably just start chewing. Just take another look at what character actually comes with this set – That’s right, it’s Venom. You buy the set, maybe hoping to kill Spider-Man with your giant Venom mouth, but based on what you’re given, all you can then do is jam Venom INTO HIS OWN GIANT MOUTH. And then ruin the carpet with the vial of ooze.

What toy, I ask you, could be better designed than this? Just wait till Saturday. I definitely need to buy one of these and run around the neighborhood with it in my mouth, like those fake vampire teeth. The kids will all think I’m Venom, and once that movie hits, they’ll even know who that is. Awesome.

(Thanks to the Blog@Newsarama for the hot sales tip!)