Alias and Lost creator and Mission Impossible 3 director JJ Abrams has been offically handed the reigns of Star Trek’s 11th feature film outing.
The story involves a young Kirk and Spock in Starfleet Academy. So its a prequel?
I’ll give them the befit of the doubt here, but my biggest gripes about the series following The Next Generation is taking all the action out of Federation space to the outskirts, way outside, and then into the past. Its like, we lost contact with this big universe TNG took so much care to create and only got further away the longer it went on. This movie hardly fixes that but the character credentials are all there so I won’t damn this outright. Lets hope JJ aborted Superman script is a fluke.

You’ll recall we already showed you a Clerks II Teaser. Well that was the internet-only version. This is the green-band version for theaters.

Rented King Kong today… oh …wow… what a mistake.

This movie was just so horribly bad. Boring boring boring. Why was it so long? Why did they take so much time dwelling on such retarded things? All this crap on the boat and stuff.. and why? To set up a second love interest for this girl? It’s so boring and pointless. I just wanted to see the monkey and then after over an hour when he finally shows up I’m just so frustrated and sick of wanting him to show up that he comes way too short of the hype. Pretty lame CG. I mean… he’s kind of ugly!

And all these stupid dinosaurs and junk. They’re all so imcompetent. These things that looked like brontosauruses if Jurassic Park was a budget movie are just running in a heard and falling off cliffs and tripping over each other but there isn’t really anything going on that makes them trip that they’re not bringing upon themselves. Or Kong is smashing rocks and a big boulder falls on his head… well nothing caused by the human interaction on this island is causing this to happen. He’s just stupid. No wonder all these things are extinct in the rest of the world. And these bats… Kong sleeps in a cave with them… and then a human shows up and they all start fighting Kong who is essentially their roomate. I’m not really following here…

And what’s the fascination with white women? Okay I can get Kong ’cause that’s sort of the point of the story but all these freakin’ T-Rexes are fighting Kong for this white girl who’s maybe a buck 20 when wet. Is it that she’s on the rag and everything’s trying to screw her? I just don’t get it. I mean even when these things are falling to their deaths in this ravine and getting caught in vines rather than try to save themselves they’re fighting this buffet of an ape to nibble on the appetizer that is Naomi Watts. Do T-Rexes have a human’s appreciation for a smokin’ hot rack?

And all these important things happen in cutaways. We spend a ridiculous amount of time on the boat and then when they get to the island we don’t even see them land. They get in a raft and then they’re treking through the woods. You know that would have made a better scene than half this movie. Then they drug the ape and I’m wondering how they’re going to get this guy on the boat, transport him to the city, move him, store him, keep him contained and fed… and … they cut ahead weeks to him on broadway. What? Why can’t we just cut out the scene with the killer bugs and fighting penis plant monsters and put some interesting things in. Scenes which would have been included in an hour and a half version of such a film are omited from this 3 hour + monstrosity.

I realised I was left with far too much time to contemplate how a woman and a giant ape could have sex at some time between the ideas of urethra fisting and 2 armed snorkel assisted prostate diving. I should have been engrossed enough in this movie not to need to have my mind wander on to such things.

Peter Jackson has lost all ability to properly gage what should be put into an entertaining movie. He likes King Kong so he makes it into the only thing he knows how to do after Lord of the Rings, a majestic epic insanely long craZy movie… well it just doesn’t work! And if it could it wasn’t handled well enough to work. Are we back at the stage where people can tell Peter Jackson what to do again or does the industry still respect him too much to stop him from doing any retarded thing he wants?

I asked myself after watching this if I prefered it to the horrendous failure that was the Roland Emmerick Godzilla commonly refered to by the losers only as “GINO” and as much as I hated that movie I’d rather watch it for no other reason than the fact that it leaves me with a lot more time when I’m done with it. This movie wasn’t just boring. It was annoying and painfull to sit through.

Don’t see it. Don’t encourage him. In fact just stop seeing his movies alltogether until he can start keeping things under about 2 hours like normal people do.

Everyone’s favorite japanese animation house has released a trailer for their next movie.
The Legend Of Earthsea
Its a film based on the fantasy series by Ursula K. Le Guin. Theres not a lick of english in the trailer, but you can at least watch it. Probably be another year before we see it in the states.

The college dropout stuns again!
About 2 months ago it was revealed that Kanye would be handling the theme for Mission Impossible 3, and now it looks like the leak is on.

To listen the suprisingly solid instrumental, check out forums.

I stumbled on to this and thought “Hey, how did I miss this?” and then I checked the upload date it was only posted a few hours ago, so odds are you’re seeing it for the first time just like me.
[Read the rest of this entry…]

Since I was so enraged by both the Matrix video game and the delay of New Super Mario Brothers, only one thing could make up for it.

A shot-for-shot remake of a scene from Matrix Reloaded with Mario and Luigi.

Now you can play the movie!
All you have to do is whip out your dvd copy of The Matrix. Press play and grab a video game controller. Whenever a fight scene or something exciting happens, mash the hell out of the buttons.
In between scenes, pause the movie so the next level can load.
When lots of bullets and stuff are flying around, put the movie on slow-motion so you can witness the frame rate drop.
OK, so this isn’t exactly like the PS2/Xbox action game, but trust me its a remarkably similar experience. I realize not very many people like Enter The Matrix (I thought it was OK…), but Shiny really assed up this game. Its clumsy, ugly, and broken.
Not even worth a rent. I played less than an hour before my mind drifted off and I started thinking about candy.