Feature: Life Lessons Learned from Anime

Last weekend, many poweteers attended the ever exciting Anime Boston convention. (and subsequently became engrossed in the massive line waits for registration and pre-registration alike, but that’s neither here nor there) After the convention having come and gone, to keep my little brain from going into withdrawal after being thrown back into the mediocrity that is normal everyday life, I began thinking of just exactly what life lessons anime and manga have passed on to geeks like myself. (and are sometimes taken way too much to heart by more “enthused” geeks of the genre, in which case they should be put out of our misery)

So of course, I had to write a compilation of such thoughts, and share with the world. Slight spoilers for some series.

“If it Looks Like a Girl and acts like a Girl – It’s a Guy”
Examples: Sailor Moon, Fushigi Yuugi, Angel Sanctuary

– This is one of the most well-known misconceptions to date in several classic anime and manga series. People can go entire series without realizing that one of their favorite girl characters is in fact a guy who knows his stuff in the cross-dressing field. (especially if it’s an American dub that will change the gender altogether) What Japan’s fetish for making extremely pretty guys dressing in drag is, anyone can speculate. Believe me; nobody will blame you if you happen to go a little gay for a pretty face.

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“The Bigger They Are, The Bigger the Sword You’ll Need”
Examples: Berzerk, Naruto

– Apparently the concept of “Large Swords = More Intimidating You Are” applies to many action and battle-oriented anime. While the idea of characters needing to compensate for something does come to mind, it is true that when seeing a buff and burly guy wielding a sword twice his height and girth, it’s kind of hard not to shat yourself. Just be sure that you’re the one with the larger weapon to better ensure that happens to your enemy and not you.

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“If a Girl Seems Innocent, She Probably has a Split Personality That Can Kill You”
Examples: Elfin Lied, Rosario + Vampire

– So you meet a girl, probably through more or less mysterious means. She’s such an absolute cutie and is so nice to you that you figured that she can’t possibly do any wrong. However, one swift bump to the head or the removal of a seal can turn your sweet angel into a super-powered psychopath who can and probably will hand you your ass at the slightest provocation. Best thing to do is to be nice to any strange extremely happy and sweet girl you may happen across in your travels. Especially if they have pink hair. That should be a red flag.

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“Time Travel and/or Dimension Hopping is a Great Way to Make Friends”
Examples: InuYasha, Noein, Escaflowne

– Life got you down because you have no friends, or you have friends but they’re just not interesting enough for you? Well, all you need to do to remedy that is find the nearest time-space flux or enchanted ancient monument, and chances are you’ll find a portal to a strange and wonderful new place or time that you’re just bound to meet new people at and become very best pals with. Just keep in mind of what you may be leaving behind should you get permanently stuck in your new habitat, or that some other people may not appreciate you being there altogether.

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“If Surrounded by Several Horny Women, Never Take Advantage of Them.”
Examples: Tenchi Muyo, Rosario + Vampire, Saber Marionette

– God only knows why harems of sexy, sultry women always seem to fall for the clueless chump who’s too nice to take advantage of the “friendship’ he has with them. It can only be speculated that this is a hidden rule of the anime universe, and to do otherwise would cause reality to crumble on itself. So if you happen to be that poor hapless sap who’s in such a situation, it may be better to simply continue running away or playing dumb for fear of universal consequences. Don’t worry, the girls will continue to follow you no matter where you go and happily throw themselves at you.

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“When the World is Broken, Just Press the Reset Button.”
Examples: Wolf’s Rain, Rahxephon

– War. Famine. Disease. Ignorance of Man. Alien Invasion. Don’t worry; if the world happens to be on the brink of total annihilation and destruction of the entire planet and your race is imminent, you can rest assured that a hero or a secret mystical power of some sort will make it all better and back to the way things were beforehand. That way, you can make all new mistakes the next time around!

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“Prime Age to Draft Mecha Pilots is 12-16”
Examples: Gundam, Robotech, Zoids

– Apparently adolescence is the devised perfect timing for mecha academies and factions to start recruiting skilled and potentially powerful mecha pilots. Forget child labor laws and regulations: the pool of resources for powerful robot pilots cannot consider such things if it hopes to gain the future aces of the mech world. It would appear that in the mecha world, if you’re past the age of 21 and are still piloting, you’re either destined to die by the end of the series or will be pushed to the side in a grand display of upshowing by a pre-teen protegé. (Who also may end up dying by the end of the series! Irony!)

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“Life Threatening Injuries can be Solved with a Band-aid”
Examples: Cowboy Bebop, Dragon Ball Z, Ninja Scroll

– “Multiple bone fractures, internal bleeding, concussions, muscle tearing, first to third degree burns, deep lacerations, and any kind of puncture wounds? Those aren’t serious, really. No, you don’t need to go to the hospital, or even fancy the thought that you may bleed out or receive brain damage. You simply have to either use a thin bandage or even just apply minimal pressure with a free hand, and you’ll be able to last until at least just before the credits role. Chances are, you’ll even make it past that and can just brush yourself off after winning your battle and walk away into the sunset, just like in real life.

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“Gravity Does not Apply if you Have Giant Breasts”
Examples: Bleach, Slayers, Cutie Honey

– Needs no Explanation, other than it always applies to everything but.