An Open Letter to Evangelion 2.22: You Can (Not) Advance

Warning, the topic of this open letter centers around crucial plot points of this film also known as “spoilers”. Read on only if you have seen the film, or have no interest in doing so.

From the Desk of aDam Gardner: Sad Asuka Fanboy

Dear Mr. Evangelion movie,

Thank you for the Asuka nude scene, 18 instances of Asuka fan service and last but certainly not least, the pervy unit 03 test suit which will forever be immortalized in pervy toys and merchandise by our friends in the east who have wisely decided that such a thing is culturally and socially acceptable…

I certainly appreciated that this film was a departure from the source material, while the first film was a less than compelling rehash of existing scenes. While certainly some details can be changed, there are certainly some things which are so fundamentally Evangelion that they should not be touched.

Simple themes like Shinji being a bitch with daddy issues, Rei being cold and boring, Evas fighting angels and… oh that’s right…

… Asuka actually being in the whole fucking story and not just dying in some bull shit scene that wasn’t even the climax of the movie! Asuka’s supposed to live when pretty much the whole fucking world dies. Even giant crazy earth sized fucking Rei dies and is nothing but a bleeding head in the ocean while Asuka’s chillin’ on the beach like it was a fucking party and she’s getting a tan. She doesn’t die when she’s beat the shit up and in hospital. She doesn’t die when the 3rd impact turns the whole fucking planet to goo. She doesn’t die when little bitch Shinji tries to go all Chris Benoit on her throat. She doesn’t die ’cause she’s hard as nails and the best character in these shows and movies and the only thing worse than not having her at all in the joke of a first movie is killing her ass off and replacing her with some reject stripper bitch in a plaid skirt and glasses who no one fucking likes anyway ’cause she’s a stupid bitch of a bitchy bitch!

3rd impact? The 4th impact’s gonna be Asuka coming back and laying the smack down on all the stupid bitches who cried about other bull shit while they should have been trying to clone Asuka or doing some AT Field hand waving Deus Ex Machina shit to bring her sweet ass back.

Surely, some Eva magic will make her return in some fashion in Evangelion 3.1415 You Will (Not) Settle on a Numbering Scheme. Please include much fan service and borderline nude scenes when you chose to do so. If you do not chose to bring her back, please fuck off.

Sincerely,
aDam Gardner