Powet Alphabet: L is for Shia LaBeouf

Since the alphabet is the building block of our language, the Powet Alphabet is the building block of what makes us geeks.

Shia LaBeouf, the greatest actor of our time, has done many amazing things, yet is constantly the butt of fanboy’s jokes as they accuse him of having raped their childhood. Let’s take a look at the life of this amazing man!

Shia LaBeouf eating a banana

Shia was born in a Jewish hippy household in 1986. His family name “LaBeouf” is a spelling nightmare of the French “Le Boeuf” or “The Bull”. With parents that were free spirited performers it’s no surprise he made the career choices that he did. LaBeouf, who has a natural comedic talent which is often overlooked, began performing at comedy clubs as young as the age of 10, and pursued various shitty roles in TV shows until his big break.

Young Shia LaBeouf in the Even Stevens pilot

In 1999 Shia landed the lead role in the Disney Channel comedy series Even Stevens. This was a hilarious show which to this day is the only thing to fully exploit his vast array of comedic ability. Even at 13 years old right from the first season this show featured some hilarious episodes like “Battle of the Bands” and “Movie Madness” which are full of top notch performances by Shia.

Shia LaBeouf in the Even Stevens episode 'Battle of the Bands'

The show went on for 3 seasons and during this time Shia grew into an accomplished actor. Anyone who watched couldn’t ever doubt he was destined for greatness and for once the Emmys got it right in 2003 when Shia LaBeouf received the “Outstanding Perforer in a Children’s Series” for his role as Louis Stevens. Always the joker he jumped on stage and kissed an unexpecting Kirsten Storms who had the good fortune of presenting this award to him. Although the series was topped off with a fairly lack luster movie which followed the finale, this wasn’t the last we’d see of Shia!

Shia LaBeouf in the Even Stevens episode 'Movie Madness'

While the show was on the air he did other great projects such as the 2002 Disney Channel Original Movie “Tru Confessions” where Shia took on the challenge of portraying a mentally disabled boy. Here we have an accomplished comedic genius who’s not yet an adult already stepping out of his comfort zone to take on, and excel, at such a challenging role. This would be the performance of a lifetime for a lesser actor but Shia was just getting warmed up.

Shia LaBeouf in Tru Confessions

Shia appears only briefly in the following scene where a black man lusts after a piece of fried chicken, but even then we can see what a great actor he is:

In 2003 Shia took on the lead role in the movie adaptation of Holes. While purists complained he wasn’t fat enough to play the film’s main character, most agreed that he did a great job with this and he had proven himself quite capable as a leading man. His carreer continued to flourish as he took bit parts in sub par movies like Dumb and Dumberer and Charlie’s Angels.

More exposure for him came with the 2nd season of “Project Greenlight”. In this show we follow the making of “Battle of Shaker Heights” which eventually cast Shia as the starring role. Once again we see a solid dramatic performance in a film which manages to make us completely forget the first season and that “Stolen Summer” movie which no one watched.

Shia LaBeouf in Battle Of Shaker Heights, the Project Greenlight 2 movie

Next something truly amazing happened… Shia became a man! No longer the awkward teenager he became a sexy heartthrob who started stealing the hearts of more than just tweens and me. Even celebrities like Selena Gomez are hot for Shia:

Shia started to get more bit parts but this time in actual good movies! Though his role was small he starred along side Will Smith in the sci fi film “I, Robot”. We then see him in the role of Chas Kramer, sidekick to Keanu Reeve in “Constantine”.

Shia LaBeouf and Will Smith in I, Robot

It’s around this time that Shia also managed to star in one of the greatest movies ever made, a movie that came out 2 years before he was born! How is this possible? Well Shia lent his voice to the character of Asbel in the new dub of Hayao Miyazaki’s greatest movie “Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind”.

Shia LaBeouf in Disturbia

Shia once again took on a starring role in the “Rear Window” rip off “Disturbia”. This film features a hot chick who wears tons of slutty clothes including 2 different bikinis in the film, yet Shia still manages to comes off as the sexyist actor on screen!

The 2nd sexyists person in Disturbia

At this point Shia was ready for the ultimate victory, raping the childhoods of our generation! The rape would begin with his starring role in Micheal Bay’s Transformers. Though the film was immensely successful no doubt in part to Shia’s amazing abilities and sexyness, there are those who found room in their black hearts to hate on him because they are impotent and unable to get with fine bitches like Megan Fox. Maybe they shouldn’t have made fun of Brian Austin Green when he was rappin’ it up on 90210!

Shia LaBeouf in Transformers

Not content to only rape the childhoods of lonely toy collectors living in their parents’ basement Shia also took on the challenge of raping the childhoods of movie fans everywhere when he starred alongside Harisson Ford in the unforgivably bad “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls”. No doubt Shia is sexy and delivers a completely solid performance in this film but unfortunately we learn that he is not capable of polishing this, the softest of festering turds. The rape can not be ignored, but anyone attributing the film’s failings to LaBeouf are foolishly ignorant.

Mutt Williams actions figures

After fighting off some computer thing in a movie no one watched Shia returned to the scene of the crime for another installment of Transformers goodness in “Revenge of the Fallen”. No doubt he got more unwarranted hate for this one, but Shia wasn’t the one with the gold tooth who talked like a leprechaun watcher from Mobile Alabama and admitted he couldn’t read.

Along the way, Shia managed to get a reputation as quite the bad boy. In 2007 he was arrested for trespassing in a Walgreens. Not exactly killing a hooker but it made headlines. In 2008 he got in hot water for… smoking in public! Oh the scandal! Later that year Shia flipped his car and busted up his hand in what was labeled a drunk driving accident. This was retconned into the second Transformers film as the character of Sam Witwicky injured his hand much like Luke Skywalker’s injured face in Empire Strikes Back was done to excuse scarring which happened between films.

Shia LaBeouf with an injured hand

We’ve seen Shia go from comedic genius to dramatic actor and finally to sexy leading man action star. Well I’d personally love to see him do more comedy. Whenever he has the infrequent joke in his other roles he just knocks them right out of the park. Maybe if Shia wasn’t the accomplished super star that he is we’d see him starring in his own sitcom or something of the sort, but TV can not contain a man of such immeasurable talent.

What does the future hold in store for Shia? Well he’s in that new Wall Street movie that comes out next week. Maybe you should see that.